an insight

by ~SUEPOLARBEAR

Sigh..

Guess I own the title as a fierce dragon after all.

Scared friends away.

And others are weary of me...
There is a good side and bad to it:

Good: it protected me from rapist and thieves.

Bad: I am alone without anyone to talk to and to practice my (already dead) crapping skills...ya...call it dead coz its really dead…what happened to it, I don’t know. Guess I have been stretching my seriousness way too much.

Ever since Ausmat until year 2007 (as far as I can remember) my life began to be like a normal person. Never in my life had a actually sneak out of my mum’s radar to go shopping until my Ausmat friends talked me into it...Ha-ha...XD...And on our way back to college, the taxi we were in met with an accident...luckily we escaped any injuries..

In year 2007, I had splurged my precious time around with friends and feelings. Daydreaming and night dreaming. XD. Fun. Fun to break rules. Luckily, I still manage to swim through my 1st year.
Without realizing that there was something in store for me in 2008.

All this while I have been hiding behind a mask. (You can say it is something like the phantom of the opera). Not that I actually have an ugly face, but my real me has been hidden away. So much so I have created another Sue Juin. A person that was not me.  

My mama used to tell me that when I was 1 to 3years old, I used to be a happy girl. Always smiling. Yup, she was damn right, USED to be a happy girl. Nowadays you will see a face that frowns. My sisters always tell me “Jie (eldest sister in Cantonese), you should smile like that every time, you look so pretty.”

I realize that too but just could not do it. I felt stupid having to purposely smile. Imagine yourself purposely smiling while you are shopping in the shopping mall. Though no one knows what is actually happening but you will feel downright and utterly stupid.

My journey ended when I was 3 years old and a new journey began. The journey as a new Sue Juin. (Looks like I have created another twin of myself) After years and years of self condemnation and frustration. Not knowing where to release the chain of anger, I suppressed it. So much so in 2006, my mama’s friend notices the mental pain I had put myself through and took me away from my family for a week. My source of problem was not my family but myself. I had lost in touch with the person who I really am and really want to be. Slowly, I crept out of the dark and the old me is revived in 4 Dec 2006. I owe my life to my mama’s friend.

In 2007, I was slowly getting into sync with the world. I had fully lost touch of what it means to be a human. Not that I miraculously came back from the dead but hey! The world is a great place when you look at it through eyes that are alive. I never realized it until Ausmat was over.

Looking back, I am bloody glad the dark days are behind me. The battle is almost over.
No longer do I live the days where I think I have to behave to please my parents and uplift my family’s name. What the heck! as long as I watch my manners and behaviour, I am fine.

In 2008, the little 3 year old girl was awakened from her drugged sleep. She has all it takes to take down and tame the dragon that has been guarding her all this while. Although still young in attitude, there was a problem that I did not see coming. All the years of feeling repressed and suppressing my anger had just suddenly unloaded itself into my domain. Flooding every inch that I have in me (that is what got me into loads of trouble and scared the hell out of most of my friends). In the past, I used to have occasional flares of anger and I had a friend who always stood by me, through thick and thin.

Shyu Wye Ee. I have to admit (I admit that I did not want to admit her as my best friend in my earlier days), she is the best friend that I ever had. I understand now why she had a sorrowful face when I was mad (don’t know if she still remembers it). It puzzled me back then but I think I understand why. Maybe I am thinking too much (which is always the case) but what could explain the fact that she still stands by me when I am down. Best of all, despite all that, she still stood by me and befriended me until I was beginning to stabilize the dragon.

I never cry much back in my darker days (what do you expect when I have been trained NOT to cry, and that is where suppressing my anger, sadness and fear comes in). I had been bounded by invisible rules that were made and subsequently, invisible rules that I made. A suicidal way of living. I was gearing for suicide. (Man, what a relief that it is over.)

Okay, back to 2008, yup, in 2008, I had a new me coming up (stress1), got involved in a project (stress2), had a part time job to do(stress 3), had a club (more like gang) to update with (stress4), had assignments to run with(stress5&6) and had a monster to tame (stress7). Have my papa, mama, sista (sister) to take care (stress8). How I managed it all and still stay sane is a mystery.

Never the less, I passed my life test.

Feb to June I have constantly been winding myself up and never wound down. (A sad case of work, regardless if it is in the office or at home).

Early March, I had a series of phone calls, appointments to make and a series of catching up to do. And homework was like a waterfall, constantly flowing out to students and never flowing back to lecturers. After a few months of wrestling with time between university, office work and event work, the event is finally over (ended at the end of April). I thought I could breathe. But NOO...I was darn wrong. I was back in Working Pond again. I felt like a goldfish, swimming round and round and getting no where. And after the event was over, our maid had to choose that point of time to leave us (for she was throwing a tantrum and hit back on us by saying she wants to go home). Fine! Off she went and we took charge. She was a hell of a dirty maid. She left the whole house in a mess. Worst off than the time before she came. Our hard work during the “before maid” has been washed into the Pacific oceans and out of reach. Slowly, we shaped the house back and got it back to normal. (Believe it, only NORMAL). After the event, I was dead tired. Never went online at night because I was either preparing to finish my assignments or dead asleep, after all, who would not when they have been traveling to university (1 hour), gaining knowledge (average 4hours a day), working (average 4 hours a day), traveling home (MINUMUM 1hour), helping out with odds and ends at home (average out to 5 hours a day), then studying (average 1 hour). 16 hours of a day gone. 8 hours to sleep. WHERE ON EARTH DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE TIME TO UNWIND MYSELF! The answer is *ting ting* NO TIME.

For 5 HELLISH months I have been undergoing Urban Drills, and I asked myself, what the FU*K was I thinking, putting my body through storms and typhoons of problems and stress. Am I mad? I asked myself.

After April, May was my assignment month, nonstop assignment action (as I would call it) * as I type this, I wonder, where did this part of crappy me hide to, oh well*. It seemed like assignment world was going to last for eternity. To my relief, all things have to end.

After the treacherous May, June was finals. Sleep be damned, I thought I had 3 weeks to study and could take my time to unwind as I study. As fate would have it, exams were brought forward. As if matters had not been bad enough for me, all papers started late in the day (to be exact 2 in the night, one in the evening and another in the late afternoon). I had only 18 days left. I am thankful that Taylor’s University is not within my burning reach. We all (my fellow mates and me) were downright frustrated and lacking in sleep (what do you expect after having been marching in assignment war zone). Still we pursue on. In my case, I was beginning to numb up and no longer knew the meaning of “fearing exams”. I studied (as all Asian students do) fulfilling the prophecy of “A” students. After 14 days of solitary confinement, Finally! I was able to go out and see the world. Zombie-fied, I sat for my finals. After 6 days of intense waiting, I was finally free from finals but trapped by work.

I had a blast of energy within me waiting to burst but had to release it bit by bit. In the end, the releasing process stopped. I was screwing myself up. I continued using my energy and continued winding myself up. Continued pulling the string on the bow along with many lethal arrows with it. When my body could no longer take it anymore, I collapsed (mentally that is, physically, as I was told, I would have collapsed and died too). I became sick and could no longer take it anymore. I let go of everything, including the arrows. For a few days, the arrows were out of sight until one day when it all landed on the wrong person and at the wrong time.

My friend, Keng Zhi Yi took 80% of the blows. Looking back, I really feel guilty for him. He has been helping me all this while (when I was going through the 5 months Urban Drill, always telling me to keep going on) and I had to scare him away like that. I have myself to punish for that.

That Sunday was a day where the dragon had tried its best to resist the 3 year old girl. Because of it, the she-dragon released a rage of anger that flooded the whole space they were in. The little girl had tried to control it but could not for she too knew that the rage and anger was due to years and years of suppression. 3 year old kid could not do anything.

Zhi Yi took every single blow of it and I am guessing he is seriously injured (not physically). I thank him for his patience all this while for standing up to the dragon (which again I am guessing he did not know about it). Though I may have thanked him several times, how else can I show my gratitude? Money is one but sincerity is another. I appreciate his companionship that he has given to me. His kind thoughts and his never ending support. The only thing I wish I never did (to a friend) was doing what I have done.

Thank you Keng Zhi Yi.

From what I see of people’s reaction, I seem to get the impression I have not been much of a friendly friend and a whole other of bad.

After a Monday, I took a step backwards and saw a fuller picture about me. The real me was underneath a painted picture. I had stop being who I am since 3 year old and now have 15 years of catching up to do. Changing who I am took a star burst of strength. Changing back to me was going to take my internal strength, patience, self monitoring, determination and the willingness to accept my mistakes. (Fortunately, I have all of it except one).

I realize I had to make a self-journey again. To get away from my family, my home and Kuala Lumpur. I have to make that journey again to somewhere. I missed a chance and I have absolutely no idea if I will ever get another but in the mean time, I will try to do my best to release my stress. 10% has gone to housework. 5% to games.

It took me 15 years to paint a dark side of me and 2 year to see the brighter side. How long would it take for a 3 year old to grow into a 20 year and how fast is something that you and I will not know.